Let’s Get Selfish!

Happy Monday! If you didn’t catch last week’s post, “The Trouble With Happiness,” we encourage you to read that before reading any further. For those of you who did read it, welcome back!

Ok, so we’re not really going to talk about how to be selfish. Most of us human-folk have that down pat. BUT, we are going to figure out what makes ourselves feel happy and feel loved. Last week we talked about the myth that “happiness” is the way to measure the value of a relationship. We also challenged you to pay close attention throughout the week to the things that triggered happiness and unhappiness. Did you ever have that “Ah ha!” moment when you realized that there was a pattern to it?

The first book that Reid and I were instructed by our pastor to read right after we separated was “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley Jr. Emotional needs are things that trigger the feeling of love. “I feel loved when my husband/fiance’ does _____.” Reid and I totally failed on this at the beginning of our marriage, and it wasn’t until we separated, after almost four years, that we learned how crucial it was to meet each others’ emotional needs. First, we had to figure out what our own emotional needs were. Think about it, if you don’t know what makes you happy and what makes you feel loved, how can someone else make you feel happy and loved? They can’t! Once we knew what we needed from each other, we could start trying to meet those needs for each other.

Harley lists the most important emotional needs as the following:

• Affection
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Intimate Conversation
• Recreational Companionship
• Honesty and Openness
• Physical Attractiveness
• Financial Support
• Domestic Support
• Family Commitment
• Admiration

In the back of His Needs, Her Needs, there is a questionnaire to help you determine your most important emotional needs. Reid and I found out that our top 5 most important needs were the complete opposite of each other! Harley teaches that people naturally try to show love to other people that way that they want other people to show love to them. My #1 emotional need was honesty and openness, so I expected that when I was honest and open with my husband, he would feel super loved. Wrong! Now I’m not saying that Reid doesn’t like it when I’m honest. Not at all. But that is not what makes him giddy inside. His #1 emotional need is admiration. He needs his wife to show him how proud of him she is for the things he accomplishes, whether big or small. Admiration, strangely enough, was at the bottom of my list so it never crossed my mind to show my husband admiration! Yikes!

It is a proven fact that the majority of people do not continue giving of themselves to a person who never gives them anything in return. If your biggest emotional need is intimate conversation and your significant other never wants to talk about anything deeper than what team won last night’s football game, and doesn’t listen when you talk, are you going to go out of your way to make sure they feel loved by meeting their need of affection? Probably not! If you do, then you probably haven’t been in that relationship very long. As Reid and I know first hand, when emotional needs go unmet too long, you can easily become bitter and resentful. And that, my friend, is very dangerous territory.

We highly recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs and identifying what your own needs are. You might be surprised! Please, whatever you do, do not expect your spouse/fiancé to be able to make you happy and feel loved if you have not told them what makes you happy and feel loved. I was the world’s WORST about expecting my husband to turn into a brain-tapping psychic and figure out what I needed without ever telling him what I needed. PLEASE don’t be like me and be that girl (or guy) who thinks “I shouldn’t have to tell him what I need, he should already know!” Oh puh-lease! No. Do yourself a huge favor and talk about it. What’s the worst that can happen? He/she will know how to make you happy and feel loved? 🙂

Here’s our challenge for the week: Go get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs, grab a highlighter and get to reading! It might change your life. It did ours!

Have a fabulous week, friends!

Brittany 🙂