What We Learned From Separation | Assume & Expect the Best

Happy Monday!

The title of this blog post should be something more like “What We Learned from Separation and Keep Learning Every Single Day.” Why is it that we can know something in our heads, understand the benefits of it, but still struggle with actually putting it into practice? Maybe because of our human nature. Maybe it’s pride. Maybe it’s that we haven’t practiced it enough for it to become a habit. When you’ve gone through major trials in a relationship and trust has been diminished, it’s almost impossible to assume and expect the best of each other. What does that look like?

Real Life Example

Just last week, we had plans one weekday evening for a secret project photo shoot. Brittany went into work early that morning so she could leave early in the afternoon. She stopped at a gas station close to our house to pick up Reid, then head to the shoot location. First of all, she arrived there earlier than she told Reid she would, and had to wait about 10 minutes for him to get there. Ladies, you may probably be feeling the anticipation that Brittany was during those 10 minutes. She had a plan, knew exactly what needed to be done, and we were getting behind. The world was ending. When Reid got there he loaded up all of the gear in the car, then remembered he wanted to bring his aux cord to listen to music in the car. Well, we just did NOT have the time for him to walk 3 feet back to his car to get said cord, and Brittany got frustrated. Reid sat down in the car, closed the door, saw Brittany was irritated and said “I’m coming to help you.” Time out, hold that thought. Place yourself in this situation. What are you thinking? What do you think Reid meant? How would you have responded? The truth is, Brittany had already developed this scene in her mind that Reid was going to hold the fact that he was helping her with this “secret project” (it really is a secret, but you’ll know later this week 🙂 against her. Why?? She was expecting him to have an attitude about it, and assumed that he meant ill toward her when he responded with “I’m coming to help you.” What did he really mean? Yes, he was helping her with this project, but he was going early to the shoot with her to help her get ready. Which meant she didn’t have to be there so early, because with Reid’s help we could get ready twice as fast. *Insert foot in mouth.*

The Consequences

When we assume and/or expect the worst of our spouse, what does that do for them? We can tell you what it doesn’t do. It does not instill confidence. It does not encourage. It does not edify. It does not show them you trust them. It chips away at their heart and mind, telling them that no matter what they do, say or feel- they don’t matter to you. That stings like Hydrogen Peroxide on an open wound (which you’re not supposed to do, by the way.) That does not show them love. Over time, something that seems so “small” can destroy a person’s joy and leave them bitter. Oh friends, this is dangerous territory. And not easy to recover from.

The Fix

What if we’re already in over our heads, and don’t know how to recover? It’s time to have a serious conversation in love about it. Whether you are being treated like this, or you realize this is how you treat your loved one. Be open and honest, and talk about how to move forward. Start examining your mind and motives when you think about this person. You may be surprised how much you expect the worst. Try to turn that negative thought around and think of as many positives as you can. Please don’t expect this to be easy, or even to become easy quickly. It’s unfortunately a slow process, but oh so worth it!

Have a fabulous Monday!