The Ugly But

Happy Monday!

We had an incredible weekend filled with quality time with each other, family and friends, and got some wicked sunburns. Who wears sunscreen at the lake, anyway?? So if you happen to see us in person in the next few days, yes we know we look like lobsters (Reid not so much, but Brittany…) and yes, it does hurt! Thanks!

We got to do something a little different Sunday night. We went to a BBQ hang out at church, played games, and had a ball (pun intended)! We carpooled with our good friends who live near us, and got into an interesting conversation on the way home. We started off joking about a little incident that we had in the car earlier in the day (lets just say that most men don’t like being told how to drive 🙂 and it led into a discussion on whether it’s right to apologize for something that you’re not truly sorry for.

For example, you say something that hurts your spouse’s feelings, but you feel 100% justified and correct in what you said. Should you say “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but this is why I said that?” Should you apologize for hurting their feelings and nothing more? Or should you apologize for the thing that you said, even though you’re totally not sorry, and drop it? The scenario and the heart behind the words can vary the results of the situation, but we have figured out what works best for us in our relationship and thought we’d share! This in no way means that it’s a one-size-fits-all and there’s not a better solution, it’s just what has proven successful in our relationship.

We’ve learned that “but” is NEVER welcome in our conversations! “But” discounts your partner’s feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but…” for us is utterly worthless. It only makes matters worse. You might as well say “I’m not sorry!” Maybe not, but you get the point. We’ve adapted a little system that has forced us to be intentional with our thoughts and words toward each other. It makes us stop and think before we speak. It’s a heart-check moment. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I feel like…” When you think hard about omitting the “but” from your apology it makes you hone in on your motives, think on whether something needs to be said (does it help or hurt?), and really value your spouse’s feelings. Throwing in a “but” after an apology tells them that you’re only saying sorry to satisfy them and that you really don’t care that they are hurt. It doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong, when our spouse is hurt, they are hurt. Period.

Reid even goes so far as to say “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Period. I also feel that…” Yeah, it might seem silly or sarcastic, but that tells Brittany that he is being intentional with his thoughts and words to affirm to her that he genuinely cares about her heart. She is then able to listen to what he says after “period,” instead of focusing on the “but.” Brownie points for Reid 😉

Feel free to leave your opinions on the subject in the comments below! Do you agree or disagree? Do you have a system that works for you and your spouse/partner? We’d love to hear!

Have a fabulous Monday!